Cogito Ergo Sum

Friday, September 29, 2006

its just
a process of
slow
decay

and then
your words
will
rot
in the swamp
of my
miseries
and their
stench
shall make
my insides
churn
and throw
up

yes
maybe only
then
will i
begin
again

Sunday, September 24, 2006

yes the exams are over and they've left me lifeless in their trail. watched 'dor' yesterday with a couple of friends and must admit that ayesha takia is quite a discovery. and its fortunate that nagesh kukunoor discovered her before she would've been made another clone of some two dozen 'hits' bragging bollywood heroine. i enjoyed the movie, and the cinematography added to the charm of it...i believe the locations created half the magic. the verdant forests and pebble laid paths of himachal and the dunes and blue houses of jodhpur...that could've been enough for me.

reminded me of the time i spent in bhopal. my balcony provided me with the view of lots of small bungalows and many two-storied, three storied pink-yellow-white colored appartment buildings...from where i viewed it, the city almost looked west-asian. sometimes standing on the rooftops watching the dimly lit city i would hope for an arabian magic-carpet ride. many a times i would find a rainbow strung up in a newly washed sky and would shout out to marissa to come quick before she missed the view. rainbows are rare things and i'm sure she wished upon one like i did each time we'd fall into a silence while devouring it...we'd wait till the colors would disappear into the pieces of cloud and give way to the honey of the evening.

yes moments spent in bhopal come back in spasms. just the landscape and the places...the chequered fields of our mahesh driven safari rides, the clean little village homes with dung layered green colored floors...i just let the scenes pass. maybe they rightfully belong to another time when my mind isnt coping so desperately with all that's already happening around.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I will not allow any stupid paper to convince me that i'm worthless...I've had enough humbling experiences already...

When will I do all that I really want to...I love the subject deeply...dont want to be disillusioned already! I want to discover all the beautiful things I can do with it instead of being constantly reminded of my shortcomings...sigh...i shall stop cribbing here...for all you know my miseries will end before I know it...will be praying for that.

Besides the upcoming torture of exams, i've been feeling better lately...i'm just letting things flow...or maybe its the will of the macrocosm...never really believed in "fair is foul and foul is fair"...i think Shakespeare gets confused himself while trying to bring out the contradiction between the microcosm and macrocosm...he first gives instances of of the conflict between the two realms when Macbeth and Banquo have their first encounter with the witches on a heath...then on the night of Duncan's murder he shows how the turmoil in nature foretold the sequence of events to come reflecting a consonance between the two worlds...

anyway...there is a placidity which emantes from within and things around me seem to be floating in a new found happiness...i am holding on to this feeling for a while...its been a long time since i felt like this :)

Monday, September 11, 2006

moments of unadulterated joy: just gobbled down a huge bar of chocolate mum bought for me! yumm...

Friday, September 08, 2006

ok so the whole idea of pursuing a phd seems like one big joke. turns out that it demands everything i either dont already have or would never want to get into. a phd in econ means devoting another 5 years of your life to differential equations, real analysis, calculus and all the other conceivable mathematical junk. algebra in economics repulses me...i always skip the mathematical explanations to any argument...i feel they ususally serve the apologetic function when one ceases to make a point. for all those who think they love maths and think that i'm perhaps mathematically challenged- i would urge you to pick up a simple book on mathematical introduction to economics and then let me know how appealing you find it. trust me, i thought i loved maths...but this aint the mathematics u and i would want to be associated with.

the irony is that most solutions to economic problems do not require complex regressional analysis...just plain common sense...why o why are we making this beautiful subject an increasingly isolated discipline...

so i don't know where to go again...i dont want to get me a feelingless 9-10 corporate job and now this seems like a bigger nightmare!